Jon Macks is a comedy writer, speechwriter, and award show writer who also works as a political consultant and debate prep consultant for Democratic candidates for United States Senate, governor, and president.
If this were boxing, the upcoming vice-presidential debate would be considered the undercard; but in the bizarro world of 2024, it is now the main and final key election event given that: 1) despite what she says, Kamala Harris wants a debate rematch about as much as Ben Affleck wants a wedding rematch with JLo, and 2) Donald Trump is pouting and bitter over the fact Olivia Nuzzi never sent him nude photos. By the way, there is no proof that Nuzzi actually sent those nude photos as it has only been (kind of) confirmed by RFK Jr. who, as we know, also has nude photos of a dead bear. Fun fact, RFK stands for Really F—ing Krazy.
So with the stakes so high in the Walz–Vance showdown, what should you, the viewer, be looking for. It’s what we pros call the “7 C Words of Debate”: culture, clothing, comebacks, composure, confidence, colloquialisms, and chaos. As you watch and are scoring at home (as in scoring in terms of keeping score as opposed to scoring with RFK Jr) remember, whoever comes out ahead on four of the seven will be the debate winner.
THE SEVEN DEBATE C WORDS
#1 Culture
Americans like candidates who think outside the Beltway. Real Americans are devout followers of People magazine and TMZ, not the Congressional Record. The candidate who can turn a question about the Doomsday Glacier and its impact on our rising sea levels into an insider knowledge of P Diddy’s freak-off parties will show that they know what is being discussed at water coolers among the five people in our nation who still know what a water cooler is.
#2 Clothing
Both candidates need to appeal to male voters. My inside sources tell me that Tim Walz will show up in hunting gear and the same hat Frances McDormand wore in Fargo and that JD Vance will show up dressed as Catwoman.
#3 Comebacks
Right now dozens of unemployed comedy writers and overpaid debate prep professionals are giving each candidate witty comebacks. Who can forget when Lloyd Bentsen destroyed Dan Quayle with a comeback in 1988? For those who have forgotten thanks to too many indica gummies, after Quayle made the point that he had just as much experience in the U.S. Senate as JFK did when he ran for president, Bentsen lobbed this at him:
Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy.
A a result of this, pollsters estimate as many as three people switched their top-of-the-ticket votes from George H. W. Bush to a 5-foot-5 nerd who rode around in a tank wearing the hat Frances McDormand wore in Fargo.
My inside source tells me that when challenged about inflation and the border Tim Walz’s comeback will be, “It’s pronounced Walls,” and when asked about IVF treatments Vance will change the subject by bragging that he has more experience having sex with a couch than any Veep nominee since John C. Calhoun.
#4 Composure
We don’t want our vice presidents to get rattled easily as they have the very important three official duties if elected: presiding over the Senate, attending funerals, and making sure the President is always “pumped-up.”
#5 Confidence
It’s hard to be confident as vice president. Speaking of pumped-up, basically the VEEP has the same role as a fluffer. Get the big guy excited. For those who do not know what a fluffer is, do not look it up at work.
Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz throws out the ceremonial first pitch before a game between the Texas Rangers and the Minnesota Twins at Target Field, July 7, 2019.
David Berding-USA TODAY Sports
#6 Colloquialisms
Look for the candidate who speaks like we do… and one who appeals to the all-important younger generation, 100 percent of whom say they will vote and really mean it this time unlike the last 72 elections. For me, it will be the first candidate who says he has “riz.” Negative points for anyone who uses the phrases, “that’s what she said” or “fluffer.”
#7 CHAOS
Ultimately the winner of the debate could be the one who owns the stage by creating chaos. Remember when Donald Trump stalked Hillary Clinton in 2016; that was the moment she decided she had this election in the bag and decided not to campaign in Wisconsin and stop polling in Florida. And that worked out great. Although probably the most famous chaos moment was in 1872 when Democratic nominee Hiram “Big Hat” Johnson walked off the stage mid-debate leaving his opponent Fredrick Von Strehle speechless.
By the way, I made that up. Just as I made up the seven debate C-words. I can’t believe I did that. Because I know the importance of this vice-presidential debate. I should not have been joking, because Americans need to see which of these vice-presidential nominees is ready to take over from Day 1 if needed, which is the political equivalent of the star being replaced by the fluffer.
